January 18, 2011

Dear Romeo,

I miss you. It should be impossible to miss someone you’ve never actually had to begin with and yet here I am, nursing a heavy heart and missing you completely.

I feel for you. I reach out into the empty space of my loneliness, grasping, groping and delicately tracing the places that I see you belonging.

When you said you could give me everything, anything at all that I wanted but you just couldn’t give me that one part of you, I wonder what you meant. The fact of the matter is that I had everything I wanted, I just couldn’t have it when I wanted or openly. Which wasn’t enough.

I could talk to you for days. I really could. Those cracks and tears in your surface that you fleetingly revealed through the course of our conversation have sparked my interest to no end and I long to know you better. Perhaps it would make things easier, like you said, but I don’t really care too much about that. I care about my curiosity, forever hindered by the possibility that all my interactions with you are driven by the desires that you cannot fulfill.

I don’t know another way to love you and I cannot compartmentalise the variety of ways that I feel for you. I wonder, if it were that easy then would you be so profoundly sad



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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Lisa Brown January 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I have a guy friend that really believed he loved this girl. And then one day, he posted this to his Facebook (about his dog that had died) “[The dog] would sigh, like he knew the truth about me and loved me anyway.” And I pointed out to him that if the dog knew more about him than his girl, then he couldn’t possibly have had real love with this girl.

First of all, “the truth” is a touchy subject with me because people’s bad sides aren’t more true of them than their good sides. And yet, people think that they need to hide things from their lovers.

What I pointed out to my guy friend, and what I’ll point out to you is this: if you’re hiding things in a relationship, if you don’t feel that the other person knows “the truth” about you, then it isn’t love. You say that this guy had one little piece of himself that he wouldn’t give to you.

Love is not an escape from loneliness. It is a deep relaxation and understanding. It sounds like you are lonely. You need to learn how to make friends before you can truly give yourself in an intimate relationship. Friends, self worth, travel, and then and only then, a boyfriend.

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